Lame Joke Thread

^ Tell your wife that's a ba-a-a-a-d joke.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

I pregnant went into labor and began yelling.

She yelled, "don't, won't, can't, wouldn't, shouldn't"!!!!!

The doctor replied, "Don't worry, those are just contractions".

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?




Because she grew out of her B shells.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?







He woke up.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?



2

TRD270 said:

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?



2

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That took me a minute.

Recent studies have shown that diarrhea is hereditary,
it runs in your jeans....

I absolutely LOVE reading these to my wife! She never ever gets it and I have to spell them out very slowly. Ha ha

My neighbors' baby was born without eyelids, so they used the leftover skin from his circumcision to make him a set. They work fine, but now he's a little cockeyed.

Did you hear about the revolutionary new broom design?


Its sweeping the nation!

So Einstein, Newton, Heisenberg, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is up, so he closes his eyes and starts counting. The others run off; Pascal goes to hide in a tree but Newton runs across the street to an empty driveway where he takes out some chalk and draws a perfect square on the ground, exactly one meter on each side. He then stands inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around only to see Newton standing there in plain view. “Newton!” He says, “I found you already!” However Newton replies, “no you didn’t; I’m Pascal!”

Uh...

^^^ It perfectly meets the requirements of this thread.

bryson said:

So Einstein, Newton, Heisenberg, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is up, so he closes his eyes and starts counting. The others run off; Pascal goes to hide in a tree but Newton runs across the street to an empty driveway where he takes out some chalk and draws a perfect square on the ground, exactly one meter on each side. He then stands inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around only to see Newton standing there in plain view. “Newton!” He says, “I found you already!” However Newton replies, “no you didn’t; I’m Pascal!”

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Genius. Best joke I've heard in a long time.

I had to Google it to figure it out. Great nerd joke.

The pascal (symbol: Pa) is the SI derived unit of pressure used to quantify internal pressure, stress, Young's modulus and ultimate tensile strength. It is defined as one newton per square metre.

cajack said:

I had to Google it to figure it out. Great nerd joke.

The pascal (symbol: Pa) is the SI derived unit of pressure used to quantify internal pressure, stress, Young's modulus and ultimate tensile strength. It is defined as one newton per square metre.

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I am so glad I didn't know that. Ultimate nerd joke.

My 14 year old son told this to his mom yesterday.


What does a bag of chips and a push up bra have in common?

You pop them open and they are half empty.

anderson750 said:

My 14 year old son told this to his mom yesterday.


What does a bag of chips and a push up bra have in common?

You pop them open and they are half empty.

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Did you tell him that joke first?

What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with a boob job?

(was told this by an EMT today and she couldn't hold a straight face while telling it)


One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean