Somebody else... said:
A little bit of off road humor from Tellico (gone but not forgoten)
Ok, so you call yourself a 4 wheeler, eh? Well, there are ten rules you need to know about organized 4 wheeling. Some of us have lost our patience with yokels who REPEATEDLY show up ill-prepared, and that leads us to think that they have no consideration for anyone but themselves. So, you'll need to read this carefully, and we'll be able to tell by the expression on your face whether or not you recognize someone here. However, before you get to the rules, here are some mandatory bits of knowledge you will need to retain in order to comprehend the rules:
1. A 4 wheel drive will NOT go everywhere.
2· The only green that interests the Sierra Club is your money.
3· The Wilderness Society is a group example of what a lack of birth control can produce.
4· Consumer Reports is no more qualified to rate 4 wheel drives than Al Gore is qualified to perform brain surgery.
7· Dead cow on the seats lends an air of rustic adventurism only in the tiny minds of Madison Avenue.
8· Roof racks and light bars, no matter how appealing they may be to teenie boppers with 4WD's, do not belong where there are trees.
9· Chrome on a 4WD tells the world you're a road pansy. CHROME DONT GET YA HOME!
10· Real 4WDs and purebred non-working dogs do not go together. (See Land Rover Discovery, Range Rover, Mercedes, and Dead Cow)
11· A Land Cruiser is NOT a Jeep. Let us bow our heads and give thanks.
12· Toyota. Everything was going great and then came the IFS.
13· Tacoma. A neutered Hi-Lux. In the rest of the world it has a real front axle.
14· Lexus 450. A neutered Land Cruiser.
15· A BMW X5 is NOT an off-road vehicle.
16· Same can be said for that Mercedes soccer mom thingie.
17· Ford. A place for arrogant morons to get jobs as service writers. When the warranty ends, they can suddenly fix it for lots of money.
18· Ford F-series. Great Diesel (because they don't make it), bad automatic, and can you believe they think a Dana 50 is adequate for a 7500 lb truck?
19· Ford Explorer. Not only is it not an off-road vehicle, it's not a vehicle. It's a test. At Ford, Job 1 is exploring your wallet.
20· Ford Escape. Its only usefulness so far is that the Insurance Institute uses it for crash tests.
21· An Isuzu Trooper is not an off-road vehicle either, but it is reliable. You'll need this to shuttle parts for your Jeep and maybe make a little money providing rides for Explorer owners.
22· Suzuki Samurai. Zucchini Somersault. You can build one helluva little woods machine outta these things.
23· Suzuki Sidekick and Vitara. Now then, tell me again what we were trying to build?
24· Honda CRWhatever. If God had intended for Honda to build 4x4's, he'd have given them more information. That's why they sell relabled Rodeos.
25· Range Rover. A vehicle for people who don't have to deal with reality. You can have a helluva 4WD for the price of a Range Rover. And think of the money you'll save on manicures, Rolex watches, and smarmy Italian shoes, etc.
26· Mercedes Unimog. Big because it has to be big to haul that much testosterone.
27· Land Rover Discovery. A wannabe with some potential, but you can't get it outta Park unless the wine and cheese cooler is stocked and the soccer balls are secured.
28· Hummer. The crate a TJ comes in. Neat crate. Beware the exploding t-case.
29· Jeep Wrangler TJ. Real 4WD potential if modified, but in stock form, the steering can't be unlocked unless you're under 25 and you're wearing a ball cap in the low intelligence (stupid) position.
30· There IS a bright spot with the demise of Oldsmobile: No more Bravadas.
31· Cadillac Escalade. A helluva lot of money to pay for a Tahoe.
32· Ditto for a Navigator and an Expedition.
33· Chevrolet. What can you say about a company that refers to a Gov-Lock as a locking differential, calls an extended cab a "4 door", and who doesn't offer a 4WD with a real front axle. Love that small block, though.
34· GMC. A Chevrolet by any other name is still a Chevrolet.
35· Suburban. Cargosaurus Soccermommius. Suburbosaurus. Big. Not for lower part of Trail 2.
36· Excursion. Humongosaurus Maximus. Also big. Also not for lower 2.
37· Dodge. Can you say "depreciation"? Dodges everything but a garage, especially with an auto trans behind that magnificent Cummins Diesel. At least it still has real AXLES.
38· Scout. That's what you'll be doing for parts.
39· International. This describes where you'll have to search for those parts.
40· Nissan Frontier. Legos bodywork. Japanese for the phrase, "I couldn't afford a Toyota."
41· Mitsubishi. Who cares?
42· KIA. Nice try, but you gotta be under 5'5" to get in it.
43· Hyundai. They shoulda stuck with the day job.
44· Infiniti. Let's emasculate a Pathfinder by putting a funky grill and fake ground effect junk on it and we'll charge 25% more for it.
Now then, if you're a newbie and you've got the PROPER equipment but not the skills as yet, we'll fall all over ourselves helping you acquire them. Don't know anything about 4 wheeling and want to learn? Well, hitch a ride with one of us and we'll show you some of what this hobby is all about.
